last night in dublin. took my last evening walk and stood watching the sun set again. haha ah, it’s been good craic here (: glad i came. thought i’d have more things to say, this being the last night and all. but… its just a quietness again. shall let thought catalog do the talking for me! So many of us, when we leave our home countries, want to escape ourselves. We build up enormous webs of people, of bars and coffee shops, of arguments and exes and the same five places over and over again, from which we feel we can’t break free. There are just too many bridges that have been burned, or love that has turned sour and ugly, or restaurants at which you’ve eaten everything on the menu at least ten times — the only way to escape and to wipe your slate clean is to go somewhere where no one knows who you were, and no one is going to ask. And while it’s enormously refreshing and exhilarating to feel like you can be anyone you want to be and come without the baggage of your past, you realize just how much of “you” was based more on geographic location than anything else. Walking streets alone and eating dinner at tables for one — maybe with a book, maybe not — you’re left alone for hours, days on end with nothing but your own thoughts. You start talking to yourself, asking yourself questions and answering them, and taking in the day’s activities with a slowness and an appreciation that you’ve never before even attempted. Even just going to the grocery store — when in an exciting new place, when all by yourself, when in a new language — is a thrilling activity. And having to start from zero and rebuild everything, having to re-learn how to live and carry out every day activities like a child, fundamentally alters you. Yes, the country and its people will have their own effect on who you are and what you think, but few things are more profound than just starting over with the basics and relying on yourself to build a life again. I have yet to meet a person who I didn’t find calmed by the experience. There is a certain amount of comfort and confidence that you gain with yourself when you go to this new place and start all over again, and a knowledge that — come what may in the rest of your life — you were capable of taking that leap and landing softly at least once. true enough, i’d say. 
can’t take it anymore. i’ve prayed for a good year, for some respite from all the years full of struggle so far. and now that i’ve gotten it, i’ve had enough of it. i can’t stand living a comfortable life, sinking lower into my couch, getting all content, desiring a safe stable life, thinking that this is my right and my heart’s desire. being able to not turn to You because i can definitely get through a life that is comfortable by myself. no, enough. i don’t want this. i desire You. and if pain is Your megaphone, by all means use it. teach me, bring me to my knees before You again, because it is a special place. shake me out of my comfort zone. in Your mercy, please don’t let me sink into a good life. You know i’m phlegmatic Father. break my heart for the things on Your heart, wean me off the things i’ve started to enjoy and turn to in this world. teach me the joys of counting the cost, of carrying Your Name. satisfy me with Yourself. for Your unrelenting grace to catch hold of me. —- edit, couple of hours later. it’s not about asking for circumstances to change isnt it? even though i think it is tougher to follow God in good times. but as always, the solution isn’t the easy way of asking God to change the situation, but to change me, so i’ve got to learn to live a life worthy of God in the good times too.  different seasons i guess. bad times do push you closer to God in pure helplessness. but good times provide respite that brings increased bandwidth to seal those lessons learnt in bad times, to taste of God’s tangible goodness in this world, to look beyond yourself and your pain and to give in abundance and joy. seeing the importance of one of my fav passages again - Deut 8. the first 5 verses ask Israel to remember. remember what God led them out from, led them through, and remember God in the land He is now leading them to. ah, i do love this chapter, it’s so rich!  okay. let’s do it, God. “When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land He has given you. Be careful that you do not forget the LORD your God, failing to observe His commands, His laws and His decrees that I am giving you this day.”
and today was another painful farewell - to the guitar which has been with me for 4months ): the house feels so empty without it here. how to survive the next 3 weeks without guitar! D: —- strange how rereading something can bring me back, feel all those stuff again. i’d forgotten what it’s like for your heart to ache so deeply that even your fingernails hurt! it’s different now, we’ve all grown up. still amazed how God has brought us so far. unrelated, went back to read my old blog, and i realise i have a very cryptic style of writing! so irritating, especially when it sounds like i had such deep thoughts but i now i cant rmb what i was writing about at all. tsk.
wednesday, something to thank God for! finished packing up stuff to ship back, the box weighed 14kg ): tried to carry it, died just lifting it up. so i went out in search of a trolley! while i was looking for one, prayed for God to pleeeease give me a trolley, conjure one up for me if need be, even if it’s a supermarket trolley i’m good. 2min after that i walked past a supermarket trolley. totally LOL-ed at God. but i went walking around somemore, and eventually found a food trolley that was sitting in some corner looking unused! used it and walked through sch with my huge box on it likeaboss. haha. still, thank You God (:
love this picture!  —- tuesday, meet-up day. good food, good company, and good, good conversation. breakfast with joss. insomnia cafe - banana bread and chai latte. nice conversation about life in singapore, life in hongkong, getting married (this is the age, conversations inevitably touch on this topic), differences between asians and irish, and how God speaks. was very cool hearing from her how God has been speaking and showing her how He communicates to her! we walked around abit then parted ways cos she had to go work; 5min later she calls me and comes back with a box of hot chocolate packs for me. was so touched (: lunch with ivan and ruth. went to epicurean and ate the classic prato feito (the brazilians’ favourite dish - beef, rice, fries, salad and their fav beans) and drank the classic Brazilian drink Guanana. good conversation hearing what they do working in church, hearing about Brazil and Ireland, poverty, army, on whether there’s a need to hear a distinct calling from God before going into fulltime, etc.  then to porterhouse for strawberry beer. walked along grafton street for the last time and stared at busking musicians (: came back home to do laundry, and the washing machine played punk on me grr. dinner with sherleen (: soy garlic chicken at crackbird, awesome stuff, the chicken came in tubs. such good conversation as always, this is a friend i’d wanna continue to get to know, and to watch what God does in her life (: chatted - on relying on God, how God has been faithful and has brought us through tough times in life, on how these tough times have taught us way more than we could learn in the good times, how if God wants you at a place He can and will establish you, how all these make God so worthy of our trust (and not just worthy; it is a joy to trust Him who loves us so), on arranged marriages (see this topic always crops up - incidentally, we’re both for it), when we first became christian, how God speaks to us, the awkwardness of party roommates and gay friends. and she insisted on paying for dinner too; again super touched. aaah, it’s so surreal how i can have conversations and connect with someone from a totally different part of the world (India then New Yorker who then came to Ireland). another one of those friendships i would like to keep and grow, always amazing how they spring themselves upon you. we’ll meet again. either she comes to spore, or i go find her when she becomes a missionary doctor in india/latin america/africa, or we could always meet in heaven i guess (: then meeting suzanne&friends on the bus back the 2nd day in a row, made new friends whoo. funny how these are all happening a week before i leave. better now than never i guess! now, back to going “nooooo i don’t wanna leave dublin D:” Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”
monday, trip to Dun Laoghaire (pronounced dunlearry, yep have no idea how that works). walking along the streets, peering into shops. finally going to the sea and getting lost in thought. heading to town to buy souvenirs, then coming back and finishing up more postcards at night. in the evening though, got distracted by the familiar golden light upon the grass outside my window. couldn’t resist, went out for a walk. found a quiet spot and just stood there watching the sun set. the feelings that come from these moments are different now - no longer the old awe and wonder that used to hit me, literally stop me in my tracks and cause my heart to soar. they are now somewhat detached, quiet, where these are times to remember rather than moments to react. yet, as they have all along, sunsets always point to a great, beautiful, creative, sovereign, good God. and it humbles me, as always, to be loved by a God so high.
sunday, spent the whole day saying goodbye to people, so i’m decidedly grumpy and emo now ): total mood shift to “i don’t wanna leave dublinnnn”. went to both services in church today to make sure i caught everyone. probably explained to at least 10 people “i’ll be leaving dublin for good on 24th may, but i’ll be in belfast next weekend, so today’s my last service!” hunted people down to take photos with and have last conversations, and aaah i’ll miss these people. times like these make me wish i had more time; it’s like i’m just starting to settle down and integrate into the community and i’m going back. managed to worm my way out of being summoned to the front to be interviewed, but was nicely surprised when the pastor inserted me into his closing prayer (: aww.  how to put this feeling to words? going up to talk and say goodbye to people that i’ve served alongside, who have been so welcoming, remembering moments, and actually finding that i’ve grown fond of them. getting to know people from everywhere, talking politics/christianity/music with them, learning abit of what they do, their hopes and their families… which leads to the “noooooo i wanna know them more” feeling. am now considering coming back to dublin to do my masters hahaha. finding and integrating into a community wasn’t really part of my plans/goals coming here, so this is… a pleasant surprise. and perhaps it’s not a bad thing to be emo leaving a place. that’s how you know the time spent there was a good one. 
friday, forced myself up early (8am boohoo) to try get a box from supermarket cos my box was too small. turned out to be a wasted trip, but a fruitful morning :D didn’t get my box, but decided to take my bible out for a walk to enjoy the morning, and ended up twalking with God and heading to Quinn to do QT. halfway doing QT, suddenly realised that i had decided awhile ago that i wanted to set aside friday mornings to do these things but never got round to, yet here i was in the middle of one. God is gracious x) that morning well spent totally set the tone for the rest of my day. walked around feeling like my heart had found its home, nestled in a steadfastness that was like rock. and, i went shopping! :D for clothes! then headed down to a cafe to write my backlog of postcards. productive day. saturday, went for a little women’s conference in church. i usually flinch away from these kinda women’s things, but the women in my church are nice and totally worth spending time with. it was interesting cos we looked at Romans 8, one of my favourite passages in the bible of all time. twas very good (: shall set my thoughts down another time. nice food and conversation. then headed down to temple bar’s food market! ate horse meat and tried a single shooter oyster whoo. then wandered around, and stumbled upon a busker duo (drummer and bassist), and was totally stunned into watching them for like 20min cos they were so good. love the streets of dublin, you get such good musicians that you can just stop and ogle at. then the sun was shining, so decided to go to phoenix park to laze :D found a patch of grass with lotsa flowers around, and just lay down and lazed. nice.
these moments do bring a slight twinge. but learning to grin to myself, take a step back, and see where God takes this (:
→